.

Musings

A few months back, 2 days before emed test, it was brought to my attention that a fren was in trouble. I don't know how to describe this. But the moment I heard about it, it struck me how out of touch I was with this person. Those seemingly innocuous messages which were sent, and which I thought nothing of, were codes for help. It would be so easy to tell myself I couldn't have known if he hadn't the intention of saying, but that would've been too daft and callous of me. There were signs. Subtle, but certain. It's so typical of myself to brush these aside and paint a rosy picture of everything, when the reality of it all was far from that. I can't describe what it was that I felt that day, guilt? regret? for neglecting him. True, perhaps it wouldn't have changed matters, but at least I could've been there.

And not too long ago, I found out that I'm not the only who feels this way. It totally sucks. Honestly, wtf are we all doing. We suck. Too busy with my own stinking life? Not even bothering to stop by for a few secs to show some concern? Distracted by shitheads around me who juz make my life unhappy? Busy doing case writeups? Bah. All excuses. aye actually I aint that busy.

What defines a frenship? Honesty and sincerity. Such small yet all encompassing terms. I always maintain that I hate discussing such things, but I have been giving more thought to this recently. And when the very fundamental elements are lacking, we're no different from mere acquaintances. That's how I feel toward them. It's hard to articulate, yet such a straightforward concept to me. When I've heard too many excuses and cover ups, from the horse's mouth, it's hard for me to trust that person again. Trust. Can you imagine.. trust's gone as well. Now I don't even trust that acquaintance.

Certainly, everything has to be viewed in context. Everyone has his own stash of secrets he doesn't want to divulge for various legitimate reasons. And yea, it's unreasonable to rip apart his privacy.

Ah. Watever. Dunno why I'm so worked up tonight. It's a cumulation I guess. A long overdue rant. There are so many untinkered issues, unsettled thoughts. And I think all along I've juz been letting it pass. That may not be a bad way. I should count my blessings. Sometimes I think I should learn from this fren.. he doesn't believe everything is absolute. ("Osama isn't completely bad") I can almost hear him now. I suspect it's to do with our primitive defence mechanism of splitting.

Anyway I sang again today. kbox's service is really going downhill. When there's 7 min left they come into the room to say time's up. When time's up, she stood at the door and cut the song.

Family med posting next. 2 weeks at whampoa gp clinic 2 weeks at yishun polyclinic. anyone gonna see doc soon?

posted by Alvin @ 1:20 AM |